by Kabby at Folotia.com
Whether or not you breastfeed/fed your children, you have a role to play in the breastfeeding relationship of your friends and family. This is true for men and women, old and young. We, as relational human beings, are influenced by the thoughts, words, and actions of others – for better or worse.
While I was expecting Aidan, I read everything I could get my hands on about pregnancy, birth, nursing, and those first days at home. I knew I was in no way prepared for what was coming, but felt pretty confident than I had done all that was possible on my end. I was one of the first of my friends to have children. I was *the* first of all of my local friends, and had never seen any of what I was reading about in action.
By the time my baby showers came along, I had set quite a few goals for our growing family – and breastfeeding was near the top of the list. For the most part, no one commented or advised me either way regarding infant feeding. Unfortunately, the one time someone was really vocal about it, it wasn’t handled well.
At one of my baby showers, everyone made a point to explain why they had chosen their particular gift for us. Sometimes it was as simple as, “you registered for it!” and other times there were specific things about the gift that made the person think of us. One guest gave me disposable diapers and powdered formula. Her explanation was “I know you THINK you are going to breastfeed and cloth diaper, but you don’t know how much work it is going to be. It doesn’t usually work out.” She laughed as she talked and looked around the room, trying to get others to confirm her assertions with her eyes.
I tried so hard to be gracious. I wish I could say I laughed it off. Honestly, I felt a little sick to my stomach and emotional for the rest of the shower (as if that isn’t common enough in pregnancy). As much as I objectively understood her motives and wanted to accept her gift as her looking out for me, it just felt like sabotage.
My guest could have simply been speaking from her experience and wishing to spare me the frustration of having to buy those things myself. Or, she could have been betraying a secret desire to see others struggle as much as she did so she didn’t feel so guilty. I can’t pretend to know her heart or motives. What matters is that she presented her advice and “gifts” in a way that belittled my desires and goals.
I have always been frustrated with the mentality that it is acceptable – or even good – to warn others on the brink of a new life phase about all of the possible pitfalls and scary outcomes as if they were destined to encounter them. Education is important. Being informed about risks and dangers is essential for making good decisions. But I have a hard time seeing the benefit of planting negative seeds in a person’s mind to keep them from idealism.
This doesn’t only – or even primarily – happen with breastfeeding. When I was engaged people told me to “beware” of trusting him too much – he is male after all and most likely won’t be faithful. When I respond to questions about the number of children we desire, I’m often met with a sarcastic,”good luck!”
by styleuneed at Fotolia.com
I was personally convicted of my guilt in this and in my bondage to the expectations of others a few years ago. I was struggling with fear of the future of our marriage – frustrated that we weren’t changing and growing in the ways I felt like we should be. Specifically, I felt like Rob wasn’t changing (of course!). I decided to re-read through 1 Corinthians 13. It is the “love chapter” after all, right? Verse 4 says,
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
I had to ask myself if I was loving my husband by always hoping – or hoping “all things” for him. Did I hope that he would grow – did I genuinely want him to succeed and look forward to it in faith?
Do you hope for your friends? Do you wish for their best and ask God to grant them their desires in his will? When you offer advice is it to build them up (Ephesians 4:29) or to keep them from surpassing you? Do you hope for God to do even greater things in their life than He’s yet done in yours? Or do you hope that they won’t end up doing anything that makes you feel bad about your own decisions and experiences?
If the woman at my baby shower would have given those things to me discreetly and explained that she felt it was important to be prepared, I would most likely have still felt a little insulted – but that would have been the fault of my own pride in thinking I was somehow so much wiser than she that I would avoid all of the trouble she’d experienced.
If she was acting out of love and honestly wanted me to succeed, but also felt burdened to help me give myself grace if all didn’t go as planned, she could have contacted me after Aidan was born to follow up and offered discerning advice if she felt so led. She could have made an effort to let me know that she was available to support me if I needed it.
Again, I can’t know her heart, but I can say that the best gift she could have given me (and possibly did) was prayer for my well-being and for God’s hand to be on us as we started our new life. And if that new life involved breastfeeding struggles, she could have come alongside us as a support – and even hoped and prayed that we would be able to continue despite the struggles and have a different outcome than she did.
Wardrobe malfunction – see me in white (not the bride) with the blue cami fully exposed from nursing? My lovely friends didn’t batt an eye. I could have been humiliated, but didn’t even know what had happened until the wedding photos came back!
I am blessed with many amazingly supportive friends, and my breastfeeding journey has been largely a sweet and wonderful one. I don’t think that those two things are a coincidence. Without encouragement and love from the people in my life, the hard work of parenting would be much harder. Thank you to all who have “hoped” for me!
I am linking this post up to World Breastfeeding Week at Natural Parents Network. If you’ve written about breastfeeding this week, link yours up below. And be sure to visit all of the other wonderful posts. Also see my previous post for more ways to get involved in WBW.
If someone had given me a bottle of formula I would have felt betrayed, too, for sure. Maybe if it came from someone without kids, I’d just attributed it to the fact that they didn’t know any better. But another mother… it is hard to find a graceful excuse. I was never one to take advice and criticism to heart much but everything changes in pregnancy and after birth. Those hormones change everything! I wish people were more aware of it and thanks for the great post in that direction. Yes, we all make a difference in our friends’ lives and our job is to support their dreams and their goals, not push them onto the path we chose for ourselves.
It’s so hard, isn’t it – not to “push them onto the path we’ve chosen for ourselves” It’s tough balancing between sharing information we feel passionate about for the good of our friends, and letting them live their own lives without making them feel like we’re judging their every move. I certainly struggle with refraining from volunteering unsolicited advice. My rule of “encourage them!” helps a lot in scenarios when I’m trying to decide whether to speak or keep something to myself.
I have to admit that, inwardly, I am guilty of sometimes expecting others to “fail” in ways I have. I get EXTREMELY emotional when I hear one of my friends had a great birth or was induced and delivered without the need for a c-section. Of course I don’t consciously want someone to have to go through the emotions or healing I did, but there’s something about feeling like *I* was a failure in some way that’s tough.
James and I have often talked about how we really despise when people give you the “well you just wait”. It’s like they want you to be miserable/disappointed. When you actually call people’s attention to it, they often give you the explanation that of course they don’t want you to fail…but as we’ve pushed harder with some (mostly close family/friends) we get to the point that they really do expect you to fail. It’s frustrating for sure.
I feel you – but we all fail at things all.the.time. AND our bodies fail us, and our family & friends fail us. We live in a fallen world and from now until we are united with Christ for eternity, we’ll face constant disappointment. By His mercy, some people are spared more than others in a given situation (childbirth, breastfeeding), but none of us deserve more than another – or are assured of receiving more – no matter how prepared we are or how hard we try to do the right thing.
With the way I talk, I should be having my third child (at least) by now at home, unassisted by anyone but my husband, with soft music and candles. Yet here I sit waiting to conceive again someday after two hospital births – one of which ended with a blood transfusion and a D&C!
I am confident that you are nothing but encouraging to other women no matter what the battle is like inside, Bri. I feel like you consistently cheer others on toward their goals with kindness.
Thank you for this post. I had a rough time starting nursing with my first and everyone was cramming formula down my throat. Luckily my husband was supportive and we made it through.
husbands are so important to the nursing relationship!! I’m glad that yours was available and willing to help – and that you made it through!! Worth it!